I did a thing today. I deleted my dating apps. I’ll admit, it was kind of fun seeing all the men who hit “Like” on my photo, and I have probably benefitted in the self esteem department from it. I had to be honest with myself though, I have no interest in dating or even entertaining the idea of dating. Zero. Zilch, Nada, None.
I went on a couple of dates through online apps soon after the divorce. Well, two….that’s a couple, right? Neither of them were anything near a love connection, but I went on them because I thought that’s what I was supposed to do. The first one looked almost exactly like my brother. Seriously, he was built like my brother, had a similar personality and even had a goatee like my brother. He got “Friend-Zoned” real quick. We tried just hanging out as friends, but it became clear right away that it wasn’t going to go well. The guy insulted my hairstyle, admitted to doing mean things to neighborhood cats and got so drunk he could hardly stand. No thanks, lose my number please.
The second guy came highly recommended (that makes him sound like a restaurant) but I think he is in the market for a hook-up and I’m just not the girl for that. We could probably be friends and we work in similar fields, so we will likely run into one another in our professional lives, but I don’t think we will be going out again.
Does anyone remember that Friends episode where Tom Selleck’s character Richard Burke is telling Monica about all his peer friends who ask about how he’s doing after the divorce? He said they would say (head tilt) “So, how ya doing?” And his response would be….”I’m ok….” (head bob) I went to a party not long ago where I experienced a couple of those head-tilted questions, and I’m almost ashamed to say I did a bit of head bobbing too.
When I think of my single life at this juncture I picture a confident, single, mature woman who doesn’t want to date, but is content to be at home, or if she does want to go out, it will be with her best girlfriends. She will do whatever she wants, when she wants, and who knows, some day that confident, single, mature woman might even take a Lovah. Who’s to say?
It felt really good to deactivate my online dating profiles and delete the apps. I’m finding joy in granting myself permission to not conform to societies proclivity to encourage mature divorcées to get back on that proverbial horse. I want to fully explore this time of my life and single-dom as a whole without any interruptions from the opposite sex. Not because I’m mourning, grieving and protecting my damaged heart, not at all! Because I’m loving this freedom. I’m loving figuring out what I want for myself in every area of my life, from dish soap that I love the scent of, to using essential oils again and even what brand of toothpaste I like not because others in the family like it, but because I like it.
Freedom. I don’t view the Selfish part of Single & Selfish to have any negative connotation. Not even a little bit. Selfish in this context means freedom to choose how I want my apartment decorated, what fluffy, fuzzy bedding I want on in my boudoir, and what art I want in my environment. It means only eating things that I really enjoy and only allowing things in my surroundings that I love. Everything else can take a hike.
I know some people won’t understand these feelings, while others will take inspiration from it and let it impact their lives in a positive way. Either way, that’s fine. You do you, Boo. (Ah geeze, did I really just type that?) Each one of us has the freedom to choose what we want in our lives, especially once we are on our own. We don’t have to fit into anyone’s cookie cutter image of what a single person should look like or act like. Nope, no way.
I’m going to shape my lifestyle, whether it’s a huge hot pink rug in the middle of my living room or some very expensive butter from France just because I want it. If it brings me joy it will be in my life. I will not settle any longer for what others dictate for my life. It’s my way or the highway folks, because damnit I’m Single & Selfish.