Warning: This is going to be one of those annoyingly positive, gratitude barfed all up in here blog. So if you’re intent is to stay grumpy, don’t say you haven’t been warned.
I am having one of those weekends where I don’t have a single thing planned. These are the weekends I love. I can just hang around in my pajama’s all day, do what I want, brush my teeth….or don’t. I’ll probably do some laundry, because y’all know I love doing laundry. I’ll play some games on my tablet, fall down the Netflix rabbit hole, drink coffee until deep into the afternoon and snuggle with my furbabies. It’s currently just after noon and the feet you see in the photo above are my feet in their current, natural habitat taken just a few moments ago for my 365project.
I’m actively utilizing my Blessings Jars, I now have two; one at the office and one at home. I’m finding it so easy to be grateful right now and I am kind of stupid-happy. I’m not fueled by alcohol and antidepressants anymore, I’m finding it easier to ‘be in the moment’ and live life with a sense of mindfulness. How did I get here? I feel like I’ve tapped into the part of myself that I haven’t been able to access in over a decade. I feel like my most authentic self again, and damn, I missed her!
Six months ago, I would have had a really hard time imagining being this happy, calm, grateful and blessed. I had no sense of The Plan. I didn’t know where my life was going to take me, I felt unprotected and vulnerable. I had the constant need to numb everything, I was keeping myself so busy so that I wouldn’t have to turn around and acknowledge the big, ugly gorilla in the room, my pain.
That’s the funny thing about The Plan. (Funny as in eff-ed up, not funny ha-ha) It’s impossible to see The Plan when we’re in it. It’s impossible to imagine peace in the future when we are in the chaos of change. Change is hard no matter what kind of change it is. Even good change can cause incredible anxiety. It’s different, it’s new, it’s not what we are used to.
When it’s what we perceive as bad change; however, it’s often shattering. Our lives feel like they are being shaken by a 9.0 earthquake, leveling everything it it’s path. Sometimes literally leveling everything in its path. Even if someone more wise than ourselves tells us that tearing down gives us the opportunity to rebuild it better and stronger, we can’t wrap our teeny tiny heads around it. We don’t have the capability to see the opportunity to rebuild then. It’s too overwhelming. At least that’s the way it was for me.
Then I placed the first few bricks on that naked foundation. Then a few more bricks were laid. Then I began to see the potential of what was new, I could imagine the ribbon cutting for the Grand Opening of my new life, and it was good!
There was a time when I was scared to get too happy. Happiness didn’t last long. That isn’t the case anymore. My happiness is no longer in the hands of another. I have the ability to navigate my joy, my security, my safety. I’ve taken my power back, and it feels incredible.
I have friends who are going through those dark, shadowy tunnels of The Path and they can’t see the light at the end yet. I wish I could take their hands and lead them to the other end, but just like me, they have to find their own way to their peace.
Maybe this blog post is an open letter to those friends who are either just starting their journey of change, or are on The Path but are just a little stuck at a fork in the road. You will get there. It will get better. It’s not over yet, and you can keep going. You don’t have to let someone else write your next chapter. You can be the one who sets those blocks on that naked foundation. It just takes one. Then another. Then one more…..until you can visualize the Grand Opening of your new life. I hope I can be there for the ribbon cutting!