Have you ever taken a trip that was linear? Non-stop from one point to another. I don’t mean your morning drive to work kind of trip, I mean a meaningful trip that has the potential to create changes and memories.
A road trip across multiple states for example. They are rarely non-stop and they often involve adventures, delays and detours along the way, some planned, and some unexpected. Grief is like that. You can think you are past grief and never have to deal with it again….until you do.
I’m almost always someone who chooses happiness. I don’t choose sadness, depression or anger. I don’t enjoy those feelings, nobody does, but they can have the potential for some serious growth. We rarely learn things from the easy times, but the fact of the matter is, hard times suck.
Yesterday I wrote a blog post about being so grateful, happy and completely satisfied with where my life is. 80% of me is still there, but there is a nagging 20% today that woke up missing my ex husband. Truthfully it makes me feel kind of disappointed in myself that I have moments of missing him. I mean, I realize I spent 25 years with the man, I loved him more than half my life, so it should be natural that I would miss him now and then. My pride though….that side-eye giving, single eyebrow raising Xena Warrior Princess, “It’s-Ms.-BadAss-To-You” part of me gets all cringy when I acknowledge those moments of missing him. She shakes her head, calls me weak and tells me to snap the hell out of it, already.
I’ve felt this way before, and I’m happy to say that these moments are becoming fewer and farther between, and when they do pop up they only last for a day and then I’m back to my chainmail wearing, sword sharpening, I-Don’t-Need-A-Damn-Man Warrior Goddess again.
I’m creating a lot of polarizing visuals in this blog, I know.
The point is, it’s ok and I can give myself permission to vacillate back and forth between Single & Selfish and kinda missing the warm, strong hug of that man-person I used to share my life with. No one, so far, has been able to replace those hugs. Dad hugs are something completely different, and I know I could ask some of my co-workers for a hug – but that would get weird real fast. My adult son gives amazing hugs, but he lives about 6 hours away now and my brother-in-law gives pretty amazing hugs too, but I don’t know…it gets kinda weird there too.
I’m not going to lie, I spent a few minutes this morning imagining what it will be like to fall in love again. What will those first few months of a new relationship feel like and what will I expect out of that person? What will they expect out of me? Will I drag my old baggage into a new relationship and let it barf all over that new person? Probably yes. That; however is what this dating sabbatical is all about. Working through my baggage, putting it in the past where it belongs and not allowing it to filter into other areas of my life.
This blog experience is a crazy roller coaster ride of self observation. I want to keep it honest and real, but I also want it to be relatable to other people who might stumble across it and need some reassurance they aren’t alone in their feelings. Am I sad today? No…I wouldn’t label it sad. I’m reminiscent. Nostalgic perhaps, but not sad. Even if I do have a moment of missing my ex husband, its pretty quickly followed up by a few arrows of truth that remind me real quick of the lies, the deceit, the stress and general suck-fest that my old life used to be. Humble bow to my inner Xena Warrior Princess for lobbing those flaming arrows of truth.
All of these Warrior Goddess, chainmail, sword wielding references are probably either going to get me labeled a man-hating feminist (maybe true) or I’m going to secure my place in the spank-banks of a bunch of guys I know. (Ewww….please no)
Whatever, it is what it is.