Again, Jaime Sullivan from Cawfeetawk came through! Sometimes she just says the perfect thing at the perfect time and it resonates in ripples. See the video here.
I started this blog with the intention of rediscovering my gratitude. This blog is my therapy and my healing. This blog is MINE. I have grown, I have rebuilt my heart from the shattered mess it was and I have become strong. Damn strong. I have become independent and proud of myself. I have grown to love myself and every thing about my existence. I have found happiness where once there was an empty shell of some drunk lady I used to know.
Somehow, some way, my ex husband learned of this blog. He read some of it, and he let me know. He was not happy. He accused me of being hateful and of trying to torture him. Really?…..wait, really? Are you for real right now?
This man, whose betrayal led me to end our 20 year marriage because I could no longer tolerate his self destructive behavior and I could no longer fix it for him is now accusing me of trying to torture him. This man, who through a series of lies and betrayals caused the total destruction of our family thinks he is the victim. This man, who has empathy and care for others only as a future investment for how he can use it to benefit himself later, thinks I should leave him out of blog. Leave him out of my story – who without his very existence, there would be no story.
Sorry. I realize that reading all the irresponsible, childish and repugnant things he did in black and white must be mighty uncomfortable. I get that. I have one thing to say, then don’t read it. It’s that simple. Don’t. Read. It. I don’t mean that in a spiteful way either. This blog has zero impact on him.
You know why? Because this blog is for me. For me, and for the readers who reach out to me and tell me how this blog helps them. This blog gives them a point to focus on while their lives are trying to spin out of control. This blog is for those people who read it and say that I’m putting the words to the feelings they didn’t know how to express. They read my words and it helps them see there is life after tragedy, betrayal and pain. Because…..
Sometimes the betrayal IS the blessing!!!
If I hadn’t had that final kick over the edge to throw in the towel and admit marital defeat I would still be in it. I have no doubt. And at the rate he was spiraling, I would have been sucked under with him and at some point I would have gotten so far down, that I wouldn’t have been able to pull myself out with dignity and grace again.
If I hadn’t had that final push, I wouldn’t have been able to see what a Bad Ass Boss Babe I really am. I wouldn’t know my worth, not like I do now. I wouldn’t have found my voice either. I wouldn’t be working on a book, telling the story that has been so heavily on my heart to tell for so long. I wouldn’t be the self reliant woman who is comfortable in her skin and knows she can make it. there is not a doubt in my mind that God pulled me out of that whirlpool before I got sucked down.
When I read his words though – that he was unhappy with me, with what I was writing and went into full-on victim mode, he got in my head. That’s what infuriates me the most is that he got inside my head again and that negative, codependent self-talk started up again. And like my pattern was before, I began lashing out at everyone else rather than lashing out at the person who caused this whole mess. Him!
Don’t get me wrong, I stood my ground and told him no. He doesn’t have to read the blog if he doesn’t like what I’m writing. There isn’t anything in this blog that isn’t true and he knows it. His response is textbook typical for the narcissist when the codependent in their life begins to set boundaries. They turn and try to accuse, try to turn the tables and make the codependent look like the bad guy, and make it seem they are the victim. Not today, Satan! Not today.
I’ve grown and I’ve changed. The seas have calmed. I’ve left that old woman behind and I have peeled away the layers and revealed the stronger, better version of myself underneath. I see his technique within the text for what it is. Manipulation. Attempting to trigger all those old buttons he knew and operated so well for so long. Again, I say Not Today!
I’m not here to tell you that I’m 100% healed, because truth be known, I wrote this blog post two days ago while fully engulfed in anger. I knew I needed to take another pass at it and edit it with what really needed to be said. Know what? For the past two days I have used every chore imaginable to avoid editing this post. That old me was trying to poke her head up and envelop me in fear – that maybe he’s right. Maybe I am hurting him and I should give him a break. He’s had a rough year and this blog must be salt in the wound. Of course, my inner Xena Warrior Princess prevailed (with the help, advice and hard truth from friends and loved ones) and I re-read the first couple blog posts when I was hurting so badly and realized this blog is GOOD! This blog is part of my therapy and what’s in here is my truth. It’s how the actions of someone else impacted my life. 100% me, all day long.
So I will keep writing this blog, and I will continue writing my book. I will publish said book and I will take you along with me as I grow, heal, blossom and emerge a better, healthier person. And if someone doesn’t like it….then don’t read it.