Blog life · health & wellness · lifestyle · mental health

Rescue

first aidJust about two weeks after we survived Hurricane Harvey, the east coast, primarily Florida, is preparing for an equally catastrophic hurricane.  Irma.

My ex-husband lives in what currently is the projected path of Hurricane Irma and I am finding myself fighting the urge to save him.  I have the almost annoying, irresistible urge to make sure he’s ok, find out his plan, help him batten down the hatches and evacuate somewhere safe.

My inner Xena Warrior Princess is winding up, rearing back and about to pummel me back into the Selfish part of Single & Selfish.  Yeah, she’s pretty pissed right now, and I don’t blame her.

I couldn’t help but reach out and ask if he was going to evacuate. We chatted very briefly about how now it was his turn to face the storm that I had just faced 2 weekends ago.  Oh, the irony.

It’s been almost a year since we split. Since we “consciously uncoupled” – what a stupid term.  Yet, I went instantly into wife/mother mode- wanting to micro-manage things that I have no business even being involved in.  He is a grown man.  He has his own life to live and I need to step away.

I could go into “but we have a daughter together” and that would be a viable excuse for concern.  The long and short of it; however, is that if he chooses to leave or stay in the oncoming path or Hurricane Irma, that choice is 100% not mine. None. Of. My. Business.

But that Codependent woman who was married to him for 20 years really needs a bitch-slap by that inner Xena.

I think a lot of us on the Texas coast are still reeling, shellshocked by days and days of anxiety, stress and fear of what the future holds. Some are still without power and our water at this point is still unsafe to drink.  So it’s exceedingly hard to look at practically the exact same thing about to barrel into another part of the country where someone you used to be married to lives.

My desire is to reassure myself that I won’t suffer the guilt if anything happens to him.  What if he feels so emotionally depleted that he doesn’t care if he lives or dies?  What if ultimately my choosing to end our marriage was the last straw in the last chapter of his life?  Just because we aren’t married anymore doesn’t mean we stop being concerned and interested in what happens to one another when shit gets real.

As Xena warms up her other arm for a double-tap bitch slap……Bring it, Sister!  I need it!

So when it’s all said and done I guess I need to keep repeating the line of that song….the song in that huge animated musical with lots and lots of ice….Let It Go.  Just let it go.

I sure wish someone would explain that to my heart.

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