I talk a big game, but some days are harder than others. Some days people and places can fly by me and not even cause a ripple. Other days, places, people, memories, dates can really send me into a full-blown pity-party.
Today was one of those days. For a number of reasons I shan’t go into here, I just found myself reliving the past and allowing myself to remember…..him. I didn’t like it.
Some times I need to give myself a little pep talk. I’m sure that I’m not alone, I’m positive that anyone who has experienced a divorce, or even the end of a long relationship will agree that these feelings are just part of the package. So today I want to give myself a little boost as to why being single is so damn good.
- I don’t have to share the remote control with anyone
- I can watch reruns of Friends all damn day if I want
- I can go for weeks without shaving my legs
- I don’t have to worry about pleasing a picky eater
- I can gain a few pounds and not worry what anyone thinks
- I can go the whole day without saying a single word to anyone if I want
- I don’t have to share my space
- I can get in my PJ’s and climb into bed at any time of day
- I can go on a wine-encouraged internet shopping spree if I want
- Bruce the Body Pillow is a great snuggler & doesn’t get hot
- I can be hormonal and grumpy and no one gets their feelings hurt
- If I don’t want to cook, I don’t have to
- My money is my own, no one tells me how to spend or save
- NO ONE LIES TO ME (that I care about)
- My space stays clean
- My laundry is done in two loads
- I can do what I want, when I want
- I can arrange my furniture the way I like it and it stays that way
- I’ve gotten really good at budgeting because I don’t have to worry about anyone else screwing it up
- I control my own joy
I think that last one is the one I like the most. I control my own joy. The single life has its perks. Do I miss companionship? Sometimes. Do I want my old life back? No way! Life is so much easier and happier now and I get every ounce of the credit.
When I first became single (next month will be a year) I was so scared. I was terrified of doing everything on my own because I’d never done it before. But you know what? I’ve discovered I’m really good on my own. I don’t need anyone in my life and if someday I invite someone into my life in a romantic way, it will be because I want them there. Part of me hopes I always retain this level of independence. I can see “friendships” in the future, but do I want to live with someone? Probably not. I just can’t see any reason to give up this level of freedom.
I’m still learning this independent thing and some days I still have to remind myself that I make my own choices. I don’t have to do things the way they’ve always been done because I’m the Boss of Me. I can change up anything I want, and sometimes that’s really a tough thing for me to implement. I am a creature of habit at heart and change is not one of my favorite things. These changes, though – while they are sometimes new and scary are, more often than not, good in the end. Even the not so good choices, I always find I’m glad I made them and grant myself grace to work through the rough patches with forgiveness.
This single life, after a 20+ year marriage is still new to me sometimes. Today is one of those days when I am reminded that I’m still in the first year and I must allow myself more time to grieve. Grief is funny that way, some days you think you’re pretty much through it, but then something happens and you realize you aren’t as healed as you thought you were.
It’s okay though. Life is a marathon, not a race, right? Some days Memory Lane will again rise up in front of me and beg me to walk down it. The good thing is that maybe the further time goes on, the less it will hurt when I do. These hard days remind me that it’s been a good while since I’ve had a hard day. That’s growth. The rough patches of sadness get farther and farther apart, and that’s healing.
It’s ok….It’s ok….