Anger turned inward becomes depression.
I’ve been a little crabby lately. (See what I did there?)
No, really. I’m dealing with some depression and sadness as I round out this last week of the first year of divorce. I’m big on dates. Like, it’s not normal. I remember dates like a calendar. For example, yesterday (November 12th) would have been the 23rd anniversary of the ex moving in with me way back with we were practically babies. Well, I was 23 I think, so yeah…babies. And as we’ve discussed, in the coming days I will pass the anniversary of the day I came home, surprised him in his jumble of lies and forced him out of my life.
I’ve been wallowing in depression the last few days, and from my lifetime of experiences, some of which were pretty challenging, as well as my fair share of counseling I understand that unexpressed anger turned inward becomes depression. I know, mind blown, right? The anger that we don’t let out, that we don’t talk about, write about, allow to be expressed can turn inward, turning into an ugly cesspool of depression.
I also know that this too shall pass. This depression and sadness is temporary and in time, maybe even after this blog post, having expressed my anger – I may find myself feeling better tomorrow. I know that at some point, this angry, depressed fog will lift and I will again bask in the glow of hippy-dippy gratitude and be that ray of annoying sunshine once again.
Today, however, is not that day. Today I’m angry. I’m pissed off and imagining all sorts of unkind circumstances upon the ex. Of course, knowing him, I know that he’s already created many of those things for himself way better than I could dream up. I’m sure he spends a lot of his time brooding – that’s what he does – commiserating about how he lost the best thing that ever happened to him. Swirling in the mire of how his choices made everything good in his life turn to crap. See? Dark!
This kind of dark, unkind way of thinking isn’t normally me. I’m forgiveness, Karma, what goes around comes around, let it be, it will work its way out kind of a gal. Today, however, I’m letting myself take a deep swim in the waters of anger, disgust and the feelings of betrayal.
It’s a process, guys. I’m right where I need to be for this milestone….I’m sure of it. I can’t very well call him up and yell at him, that would be contact and frankly, I’m really enjoying this time of no contact. I haven’t heard from the man in months, and it’s been a blessing. It’s allowed me to sever any left over feelings of compassion I’ve held onto. It’s allowed me to get really good and angry, angrier than I was when I first started this blog. Angry at myself for worrying about him during that damn hurricane and worried that he was safe, warm, fed, whatever. Not anymore, no Ma’am. This girl has had her fill and is done.
Geeze, do I really even want to post this?
Yes. Why? Because someone needs to read it. Someone needs to have the a-ha moment that anger turned inward becomes depression. Someone needs to read that Wendi of Single and Selfish isn’t so strong all the time. Someone needs the honest truth that being super pissed of is ok and that you have to allow it to come out in some way other than from the inside of a bottle. Someone out there will read these words through tear filled eyes and be nodding with every paragraph.
It’s what we do….by we, I mean those of us who share way too much on the internet for the sake of helping others, while also helping ourselves. transparency in suffering is just as important as transparency in success.
So here is my ugly, angry, crabby post. Gah! I’m so mad!!!
But at least it’s not turned inward anymore. It’s in print, it’s on this page, on this blog and I’ve shared it with you.