I feel like my bullshit meter is so broken, there is no way calibrate it
I don’t have a clue what to title this post. A topic has been on my heart for the last couple of days and when an idea for a post sticks with me for more than a few hours I have to write about it or it will cause a major case of “Monkey Brain”. If you don’t know what Monkey Brain is, just picture a room full of drunken monkeys, jumping, screeching, chattering and carrying on non-stop. That was me yesterday when I realized this is the last weekend before Christmas, but that’s not what this post is about.
A few days ago, my Twitter friend @Karen12steps tweeted “When I love…it’s fiecely. The kind that was written about in old love songs. One day, I hope someone loves me like that.”
I liked the tweet, prepared to move on down my twitter scrolling but quickly came back to her tweet to reply. I was struck with the shocking realization that I’m afraid I will never love again. I replied as such, that my walls are so reinforced and thick that I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to lower those walls enough to love again.
The Mind-Screwing that my ex husband left me with has created such a doubt in my ability to judge someone’s character that I don’t trust myself to even try.
This morning I wrote in my journal that I feel like my bullshit meter is so broken, there is no way calibrate it. So I won’t even attempt to put myself in a place of having to try to use it. It probably doesn’t help matters that I’ve promoted myself as Single & Selfish, don’t need a man, don’t want to date, basically wrapping myself in emotional barbed wire.
There is safety inside this emotional barbed wire, though. If I don’t put myself out there, I don’t have to risk being hurt. If I don’t allow anyone new in, I don’t have to test the accuracy of my bullshit meter, cuz it’s broke y’all. Broke AF.
I can hear my long time divorced, remarried friends now…”Give it time, it’s only been a year, there is someone special out there”, and I agree, there probably is. I’m not even remotely ready to meet said Special Someone, but I agree he’s probably out there. He’s going to have to be one heck of a special person though, because this gal isn’t settling again. It’s either 100% solid gold or nothing for this chick. If the man who will be next in my life isn’t absolutely solid, with unshakable integrity, honesty and unwavering compassion, he’s not even getting through the door.
Tall orders, I know – and I also know that I have so much infected baggage of my own I need to deal with. Taking time is ok though, one of the big things I’ve learned this year is that I have to work on me. I have to learn to love me, to learn more about who I am and trust that I am the person I want to be.
She is a work in progress, but she has a lot of potential.
As you can see, I finally settled on a title for the blog post. I think these past few days have been good for me to acknowledge I’ve wrapped myself in emotional barbed wire, but that it’s where I need to be for now. I think I’ve also learned that I don’t need to worry about never finding love again, if I do – great. If I don’t – also great. Either way, I’m finding happiness with me. The rest….well, it is what it is, right?
I also think maybe I don’t need to calibrate my bullshit meter after all. The long and short of it is that I married a person who turned out to be a con man. I married someone who gave me good reason to have a bullshit meter. In time, I will work through the dings and old oil, bald tires and broken glass that makes up my bullshit meter and then it will serve me well again. Until I work through all that, I can’t expect it to fire back up with no coughs or sputtering.
It’s all a work in progress. The most important thing I can give myself is time. And chocolate. And friends. And puppy snuggles. And….you get the picture.