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Rabbit Holes

It’s been a few weeks since I’ve sat down to write.  I just haven’t been inspired.  In creative projects like this there are going to be ebbs and flows in the process. My energies have been elsewhere.  I’ve been busier than I’ve been in a long time at work, I’ve been going on a lot of photography trips with my sister and when you take 4,000 photos in a day, the time it takes to edit and cull those photos is….extensive.

The real truth is I’ve fallen down a rabbit hole.  The Xbox rabbit hole.  I mean DEEP DIVE into the fully immersive, open world action roll-playing game (thank you, Wikipedia) of Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim.  It’s all I want to do when I’m home.  All. I. Want. To. Do.!!!  I can’t count the number of times during the day when I’m away from home that I find myself saying “I’d rather be killing dragons right now.”

I could say I think it’s beginning to be a problem, but I really don’t care if it’s a problem or not.  I love the game, I’m a grown ass woman and I pay my own bills.  If I want to spend ten hours on a Saturday playing video games, then dammit, I’m going to do it.  I’ve even given those days a new name.  I call them “Should-less” days.  Days where I don’t do anything I should, and do only what I want.

I have come a long way in learning to give myself permission to do whatever I want to do.  I no longer feel the responsibility to answer to another person.  I can happily go for days without uttering a word to another human being and if I do talk to another being, it’s my dog.  My adult daughter now has her driver’s license and is actively seeking work so it won’t be long before she is out of the nest and then I really won’t have anyone to answer to.

What will that chapter of life look like?  It blows my mind because I have never, ever lived that kind of life.  A life completely alone.  I have never in my life experienced that.  It’s like the new frontier.

Last night I accepted a last minute invite to go out with girlfriends for dinner and drinks. It was not something I would normally have said yes to, and it was kind of outside my comfort zone, but I am really glad I went.  I could easily have said no and continued with my shower, hairbrush and toothbrush free day, but I really had no good reason to decline the invitation.  What transpired was an evening of laughter and gossip, real talk and women supporting other women.  Then I was home before 9:00 pm, makeup off, in my pajamas with the Xbox controller back in my hand.

I feel like life is changing fast right now.  I feel like the new chapter has begun and I’m actively living it.  I have trips and travel planned for the future, which I’ve never been able to do before.  I have new creative projects blooming into fruition and new ones forming on the horizon.  Right now is a good time in life.

None of these things could have been possible if I was still married.  It’s crazy to think about all the things that had to be taken out of my life, things that needed to be changed or just deleted all together to make room for all these beautiful new things to take their places.

I’ve never experienced more success and growth in my life, both professionally and creatively.  I’m happy, I’m relaxed, I’ve been able to wean myself off the antidepressant I’d been taking for years because the source of my depression and anxiety has been removed from my life.  I have peace – for what feels like the first time ever.  I have granted myself permission to explore stillness.

Really, that’s what it’s all about – exploring stillness.  Unless you can sit in the stillness, you can’t get the good photo, you can’t write the blog, you can’t find the right word, you can’t reach the healing.

I think that’s what the future will hold for me.  More stillness.  More Should-less days.  More killing dragons and more time behind the camera, seeing the beauty of our world and hopefully sharing it with you guys.

One last thought about stillness.  Without exploring the stillness, you can’t see the path that is right in front of you.


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