I’ve been divorced for a year and a half and I came to the realization over the last few weeks that it doesn’t hurt anymore.
This. is. huge.
I also realize that I am lonely and I no longer feel weak for saying that. You know what no one tells you about divorce? You miss human touch. Not the ‘bow-chicka-wow-wow’ kind of touch (that goes without saying) but the simple act of someone rubbing your shoulder or touching your hand. I crave it. When a friend or family member hugs me I don’t want to let go. I want to drink it in. Touch is one of those things that people take for granted until it’s gone.
So what’s a girl to do in 2018 when she’s 47 and single? Why, dating apps of course! I downloaded a few and set up profiles and have been enjoying seeing men show interest. A few have messaged me and there has been some friendly chatting within the apps. No one has asked for a date and so far I haven’t received any unsavory pictures of body parts so it’s good.
Though I do find it humorous that when chatting with a man it’s all fine and dandy until I tell them I work in law enforcement. I’m not a cop, but I work closely with cops. So far that has caused most to shut down and move on. That’s fine. If you are in trouble with the law or anti-police I don’t want you anyway. Don’t let the door hit ya where the Good Lord split ya.
Now it’s only been a week or so since I started trolling the dating apps, and I may be grossed out and delete them all tomorrow, but the important thing is I’m open to flirting and maybe going on a date. I’m opening myself to allowing men into my life and slowly unwrapping the rusty barbed wire that I’ve secured around my heart.
I’ve worked on myself a lot over the last year and a half. This blog shows the progression the best. I started with a wheezing, bloody open wound in my chest from heart break and I’ve managed to allow time for it to heal and grow new skin over it and now I feel pretty complete and whole again. I don’t feel married anymore – which took the longest time to go away. I also don’t feel like I NEED someone in my life, instead I feel like I would like someone in my life to have fun with, flirt with, have those first fluttery feelings of romance with. I’m not scared of it anymore.
I think one of the turning points for me was while listening to a podcast where Oprah was talking to Dr. Phil….don’t judge me….and Dr. Phil was talking about a woman he was counseling who had been so badly betrayed by her ex husband and was asking how she could ever expect to trust anyone ever again. Dr. Phil’s response was gold! He said she should be asking if she can trust herself again.
I can trust me. I can trust that I can take care of myself emotionally, spiritually and financially. I can trust that I can make the right choices when it comes to me and who I allow into my life. I can’t control if someone chooses to lie to me or deceive me again, but what I can control is my reaction to it. I have set my own standards and am fine standing in the sun all by myself. I’m choosing to allow someone to step into the sunshine with me all on their own knowing that we can choose to be there or not.
I feel so alive and new right now. I feel excitement about who God is choosing to bring into my life. I do not expect a love connection any time soon. What I do expect is lots of inspiration and material for the blog, the good, the bad and the ugly.
I won’t stop being Single and Selfish. I am not relinquishing my title as Queen of Me. I am just accepting applications for some fun new friends.
Wish me luck, y’all.