If you’ve been following this blog for a while you know I’ve done some good work on myself. I’ve gotten some counseling, I’ve stayed away from dating, I’ve focused on myself, I’ve taken time to get to know me and focus on becoming comfortable in my own skin.
Since starting to open myself up to flirting and possibly dating a mere few weeks ago, I have discovered a few things. First Tinder is gross. Once you’ve seen the kind of creeps that troll for young girls, and some of the young girls that disguise themselves as grown ups…well, I’ll let you fill in the gaps of what kind of fresh Hell that is. It never ends well. I’ve also discovered that some men can be really sweet, endearing and there are still gentlemen in the world. All is not lost, my Single Tribe! I repeat, all is not lost! The Mythical Gentleman is still out there, a hidden resource waiting to be discovered.
Match.com has been the winner in the dating apps. Right out of the gate I got a message from a very handsome man and we began chatting. We hit it off in the chats and he gave me his number and we began chatting outside the app. Finally the day came when he asked me out on a real date. A DATE!
The date was wonderful, the man was wonderful, and I was awkward and insecure. I was scared and goofy and trying to control things. I found myself trying to read between the lines of what he was saying to me and signals he was sending because that’s what I’d had to do for years and years. The date ended a little awkwardly and we both went home feeling a little defeated. I felt he just wasn’t that into me and I had screwed it up. The negative self talk was in overdrive.
What. The. Heck?! Who is this jaded, insecure woman in the paragraph above? Certainly she isn’t me. I’m a Bad Ass Boss Babe who makes it on her own! I am a woman who doesn’t need a man in her life. I can pay my own bills and take care of business…but the truth of the matter is, I’m ready for a man in my life. I want someone who makes me feel butterflies in my tummy and who I want to kiss when he picks me up for a date and also at the end of the date. I want to feel pretty and delicate and desired. Those wants make me feel something I wasn’t prepared for…..vulnerable. If I open my heart to someone is he going to squash it and go running off, doing bad things and leave me alone? Like the other one I loved did? Talk about baggage, amiright?
After a long night of feeling the feels, thinking the thoughts and talking it out, I have come to the realization that you can’t have the things that matter with another person unless you allow yourself to be vulnerable with that person. You can’t expect new and exciting things to come into your life unless you peel back the barbed wire and lower the walls and allow another person to see whats underneath. It’s about sharing yourself, and let’s be honest….the blog is called Single And Selfish. Not much of a sharing mantra, but I’m ready to be open to sharing.
I also realized quickly that this man is NOT that other asshat. This man is sweet and open. He is honest, he is kind, he is real and he makes me laugh!! But by comparing him to the douche-nozel I am doing him a major disservice. He doesn’t deserve that and those thoughts have stopped. I have climbed off of the crazy train and I’m trying really hard to keep the baggage in the overhead compartment so it doesn’t accompany me on this next leg of the journey.
Then this happened…..
That’s right. The Gentleman sent me flowers. With a bird on the vase! A Bird! The day after the first date! The Gentleman listens to my interests too. I feel like I found a Jackalope or a Unicorn. He’s a kind man, damn sexy, a gentleman and he listens? I feel like I’ve kind of won the lottery.
Where will this time with The Gentleman lead to? I don’t know. He could be the Right one or he could be the Right Now one. I don’t know. I just know I’m not going to rush it. I’m going to stop controlling it and let it happen the way it’s going to happen. I’m going to give him every opportunity to sweep me off my feet and I’m going to take every opportunity to enjoy the process and show him kindness and fun. Whatever happens will happen and our only job is to enjoy the journey.
I’m pretty sure this is going to be a lot of fun.