A funny thing happened today. I got a notification that my Single & Selfish Facebook page had a couple of new views. So I opened my WordPress App and took a look at the numbers. Whoa Nelly! Someone….or a couple of someone’s had taken a DEEP Dive into my blog. They read almost 30 blog posts. That is both a beautiful feeling, as well as kind of scary because it’s kind of like someone seeing you completely naked, with all your feelings hanging out, swinging all willy nilly.
While seeing what these folks were reading, I also took an opportunity to read those early blog posts again too. What a walk down memory lane! Those early blogs are good, y’all! Those early writings are full of nuance and feeling, they are full of emotion and pain. Those early writings are the thoughts of a completely different woman who was trying so hard to grasp at the hand and foot -holds of health and mental wellness. I know that woman, I remember her, I identify with her, but I’m not her anymore. I’m fully functional, fully formed and fully capable of caring for myself now.
I’m also in a new relationship. Things with The Gentleman have progressed quickly and we are seeing each other exclusively. It’s so strange to read my words from back then, newly divorced and bleeding from a sucking, gaping wound in my chest to now being in a healthy, fun and blossoming relationship with a man who has his stuff together. He has nothing that I need to fix. He has no habits or quirks that I have to overlook to see myself with him. He is fully capable of fixing himself and comes to the relationship with hands open, ready to embrace me and knows he doesn’t have to fix me either. I’m fully capable of fixing myself and he sees that.
To be at this stage of a new relationship and reading the words after the last one had died fills me with a new sense of gratitude that I’m no longer that woman and I’m no longer in that one sided marriage. I’m free and I’m free to give myself to this new connection in my life and see where it goes. I can be open and honest in my life and can say to anyone who asks that I have nothing to hide.
I don’t know where the future may lead and I don’t need to know. I’m letting myself fall for this new man in my life and I’m enjoying every second of it. While at the same time, I’m not losing myself to the relationship. That’s what we do as women, we lose ourselves in the men we fall for. We let our friendships fall to the wayside and our hobbies turn stale. Not this time, though….not today Satan. I will continue to say yes to adventure and seek new experiences. I will continue to photograph, write and travel. This time, though I have a handsome fella who might want to come with me, hold my hand and experience those new and adventurous things with me. That is one hell of a feeling, y’all.
This new me with The Gentleman is wiser and much more grounded than before. I can see fun times ahead with this man, while still seeing fun times ahead alone as well. I get to have my cake and eat it too. When I want time apart to focus on myself, all I have to do is say so. He doesn’t demand, he doesn’t pressure and he doesn’t crowd. Instead, we get to come together when the time is right and experience mutual independence with a side kick. He has his fully formed life, and I have mine. We are chosing to begin to share some of it with one another and get a few kisses as a bonus, and I’ve missed kissing for so long and let’s just say it was worth the wait. These kisses are sweet and lingering, glorious and fun. Yeah, kisses are pretty great again.
This chapter feels like a new adventure. I feel like I have earned some happiness and fun. I have uncovered the woman who was deep inside, who is strong and unwilling to settle. I have cultivated the woman I am today with self-care and kindness, as well as a take no bullshit attitude. I really like the woman I am today. I am strong, I am resilient, I am fun and I am ready to live my life fully and move forward on the path before me. I am brave, I am loud and I am confident alone. I don’t need anyone to complete me, I come to the party complete already. I just happen to have found someone who likes that complete woman, that strong and resiliant woman and finds that woman hella sexy.
And who doesn’t like the first few weeks and months of a new relationship? The firsts, the discovery, the late night talks, texts and can we talk about the kisses again? Because…..well, kisses. Yeah, kisses.