Blog life · dating · Divorce · lifestyle · mental health · Relationships · WordPress

Feeling wanted

I read a great post on an Instagram page called That_basic_bitchhh that said….well, let me just post it here.

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If you’ve been single for a long time, or hell, even if you’ve been married for a long time and the spark is less than….sparky – you may have forgotten what it’s like to have a man try.  You’ve forgotten how it is to have a man seek you out, how it feels to have a man be attentive to your needs and look for opportunities to make sure you are happy and cared for.  For most of us it’s been a while since we’ve had a man ask “When can I see you again?” – just to let us know they desire more time with us.

For a lot of us who are maybe a little on the codependent side, we are the one who are making sure the other party in the relationship is okay.  We are the person paving the way for comfort for our partner and not seeking out our own comfort.  We are the caregivers, not the care-receivers.  It has been a long time, maybe never – that we’ve felt truly protected and provided for by a man and had the opportunity to settle into that role of being an equal participant.

Ladies and Gentlemen please heed my advice – hold out for the one who makes an effort to make sure you know you are important in their life and they don’t need to you to make everything okay and comfortable for them.  Hold out for the one who has their crap together and doesn’t need you to pave the way to calm the chaos.  Hell….hold out for the one who doesn’t even have chaos on their radar or in their life.  Hold out for the one who calms the chaos in you.  Let me repeat that…..

Hold out for the one who calms the chaos in you.

I’m realizing at 47 years old that I’ve spent most of my life chosing men who have funnelled chaos into my life.  They have spoon fed me chaos and drama over and over again.  This chapter of my life is completely foreign and completely welcomed.  To have someone in my life who is steady and reliable, honest and trustworthy.  This is all new.

In my marriage I thought I was with someone I could trust – but I was so wrong.  I had no idea how wrong I was until everything was over.  It isn’t until now that I realize how long my marriage had been dead.   It was a rotting shell of a false friendship that was masquerading as a caring, trustworthy relationship.

Being codependent I desire….no, I NEED to care for others.  It’s in my DNA.  I am wired to make sure others are okay.  That’s why I’m good at my job working with Crime Victims.  I am able to swoop in and feed that need to empathize and rescue where I can and help people when they need someone the most.  Is this a part of my personality I need to work on and fix? Probably.  When I don’t have an outlet for the codependent qualities in my personality I’m sure that’s when I get in trouble in my personal life.  Maybe I’ll need to be a volunteer for needy humans for the rest of my life and that’s fine – as long as the need to over-care is satisfied there and doesn’t bleed over into my personal life, I’ll volunteer with Hospice or nursing homes or domestic violence shelters until I’m no longer able to.

I tell The Gentleman all the time – “You are so good for me” – and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t understand what that means.  He, along with the friends that are in my life are so good for me too because they don’t need anything from me either except my friendship or companionship.  Most of us codependent types have so many people in our lives that draw from us, need something from us, are like hungry toddlers with our resources….never getting enough, continually stomping their feet demanding more of us, more of what we can provide until we are exhausted, depleted and empty.

If you’ve read the book The Five Love Languages I’m sure it’s clear that my love language is Acts of Service.  I have a theory that most people in Public Service – especially Social Work – share that quality.  In our line of work we have an endless supply of consumers who need our acts of service or just our presence to make their lives easier and that means we have an endless supply of people to feed our need to care.

This post isn’t going where I had originally planned.   My intention was to write about the Instagram post about deserving a man who makes it clear he wants you in his life and again, I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole of codependency.  But I think there is good information in what I’ve written so I’m leaving it.  I do want to circle back around to the post.  It’s hard to admit, but in every relationship in my adult life it’s been a single hand clapping kind of thing.  If I didn’t initiate contact, make plans, have ideas at the ready, the man in my life would become distant and if I wasn’t careful would ultimately lose interest and disappear.  My goodness just remembering those relationships makes me tired.  I have worked hard to weed those people out of my life and only nurture the relationships that leave me feeling enriched.

I would hope that most of us of a certain age have made steps to cull the herd of angry toddler types in our lives.  I see most people around me with the desire to simplify and separate themselves from the people around them that cause them pain or stress – and that is a very good thing!  If you’re on the fence about culling those people in your life, just do it.  You won’t regret it.

A life without chaos is…..strange.  A beautiful strange though.  A life without drama or hard emotional work on a daily basis is pretty sweet.  If you have people in your life to calm the chaos in you, hold on to them tight.  Keep them close and nurture THOSE relationships.  Nurture the heck out of those people and tell them that they bring peace to your existence.  Tell them you love them and maybe even buy them a coffee today.

Or at least give them a big hug.

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