When someone does something bad to us we want some kind of retribution, its human nature. We hope somewhere deep inside that something similar is mirrored back to them in their lives. Some of us wait for it, wringing our hands in anticipation for it to happen, cackling maniacally, preparing freshly popped and salted popcorn for the inevitable event to happen to them.
Some of us even start a blog while we wait.
At some point the act of waiting for retribution becomes unhealthy and we have to make a choice to either keep waiting for it or let it go and let Karma take its course – because it always does. Karma is really The Law of Attraction in its finest form. What we put out there comes back to us ten-fold. We have no control over it and it’s really none of our business when it involves the Karma of another person, even if they did us dirty. We have to allow for Karma to finish her cocktail, straighten her pencil skirt, reapply her lipstick and fluff her hair….she will get to them when she’s ready. Karma has her own time-table and we don’t often get a say in it.
I recently learned some information about the ex that leads me to believe that Karma is readying her back-swing and it’s only a matter of time before it’s game on. I thought I would be dancing in the streets, loving every minute of it, popping the popcorn and pouring the Champaign. My response was anything but excited.
I wanted to comfort him.
Gross. Ew. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit writing that. I wanted to comfort him, reach out to him, send him a text….”hey, I heard you’re having a tough time….just want you to know I hope it gets better.” or some disgraceful blather like that. I DIDN’T…..let’s get that clear. I only thought about it. I let it circle in my brain for a rotation or two and then realized that my desire to reach out was from old habits – the need to save him.
I have to admit something…when I discovered he was struggling I felt a sense of guilt. I ended the marriage. Yes – due to his behavior and actions – but I was the one who filed for divorce, kicked him out, went full no-contact and shut, locked and barricaded that door.
I have to admit I felt a sense of responsibility – which is asinine – completely unwarranted and spits in the face of all the growth I’ve accomplished over the lasts two years. I felt responsible for him. What the hell is that????
I asked myself: “what would reaching out to him accomplish?” The answer: Nothing.
I asked myself: “what would your response be if he reached out to you?” The answer: I’d tell him to eat a bag of dicks….of course. So reaching out to him would be old baggage resurfacing and the old cycle emerging again. What the hell had I done all this work becoming a Boss Ass Babe for if I was going to crumble because of a little bit of tough news that doesn’t really even impact me anyway? Oh no, Ma’am. We aren’t going down that road. We’ve come too far.
The last 24 hours have been a bit of a time traveling trip for me though. I found myself really sad about his current state of affairs until I was able to fully process what I was feeling and why I was feeling it.
I have zero responsibility for him or what happens to him. What is happening now is of his own making and I don’t have any control over it, nor do I want it. His life is none of my business and how Karma chooses to deal the consequences he’s earned is up to her. As my sister says:
Not your circus. Not your monkeys.
I feel like this was a test. I had some data dangling out there in cyberspace and I had a choice of how to handle it. Will he always be the father of my amazing daughter? Yes. Whether she chooses to have a relationship with him is her choice – she’s an adult, and that too is none of my business. Will he always be the man I was married to for twenty years? Yes. I will always have a part of me that remembers that young man I said I do to. However, he is no longer that young man. He’s become something else, someone I don’t care to know or involve myself with. So yeah, I guess I passed this test. It was scary for a few minutes there and I felt vulnerable and weak….but that is over now.
Karma can tighten her ponytial and toss back her vodka tonic. She can smooth out that tweed pant suit and get to business in her own time. I don’t have any say in her time frame or her fulfillment of doling out retribution. He’s her monkey and his karma is her circus. Not mine.
Carry on….this blog post is over. I have better things to do and better people to spend my time with nowadays. I don’t want to spend any more time thinking about this topic.
Because I’m a Bad Ass Boss Babe.