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October

Has it really almost been a month since I published a blog post? I’m sorry, y’all.

October has me in its snare again. Every year I get weird. I get sad, depressed, angry and pull inward. I call it cocooning. I sort of wrap myself up in my apartment and don’t want to talk.

There’s really nothing to say. I’ve spoken all the words about breast cancer and pink ribbons already.

I know I’m not alone in this emotional valley in October. All I have to do is hop on twitter and do a quick search and I find my people. The survivors who, like me, refuse to wear pink in October. Survivors who like me refuse to acknowledge the pink broom and dust pan set with the stupid little looped ribbon on the handle that is deceiving shoppers into thinking it actually does something for “the fight against breast cancer”. It doesn’t. Don’t get sucked in.

One of my best friends recently told me she can’t imagine what it’s like to be in my shoes but that it must be horrible to be upset for a whole month. She’s right, it is. It sucks.

I wish I could turn it off. I wish I could just get over it. Some times I think I’m close to letting go of the trauma. Then each October it happens all over again. I feel myself begin to shut down and pull in. I close myself off from friends and family. I don’t want to talk about it, I stop feeling, I just go dark.

I’m not even quite sure I could rationally explain where my head is right now. That’s the tricky part of depression and grief. It’s virtually impossible to help loved ones understand. It’s virtually impossible to explain what my needs are right now or what someone could do to help me.

I guess understanding is all I need right now. And maybe hugs.

We will resume our normal effervescent, bubbly programming in November. Until then we will be a little dark, a little quiet and a little crabby.

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