The word forgiveness is at the forefront of my thoughts today.
It’s still early on this lazy Saturday morning. I’ve walked the dog, did the yoga and am settled in with a cup of coffee and my laptop to do some journaling. Then I realized something.
I’m not angry anymore.
Tomorrow will be February 3rd, 2019. Two years ago on that day I was escorted to court by one of my best friends to legally end my marriage. My ex husband wasn’t present, of course, he’d already left out of state and I cried as I stood alone in front of the judge and he asked if the marriage was truly unsalvageable. “Yes, Your Honor”.
Thus began the nearly two year healing process that I am finally at the end of. I’m not angry anymore. I don’t wish him any ill will. I am done with that chapter and it doesn’t really effect me any longer. That is such a beautiful way to feel.
Divorce is painful. Super painful. It is really easy for some to get stuck in that anger and never really come out of it. In that first year, I was pretty concerned I’d be one of those sour people who gets stuck on the anger hamster wheel and can’t get out of it. That is where some intense counseling came in and why this blog came to be. I really think processing my grief with all of you on this blog saved me.
Forgiveness is not linear either. It’s not something you just achieve one day and settle there. I’ve reached forgiveness many times – so I thought, only to slide back into anger and feelings of betrayal. It’s all part of grief. You make some progress and then back up a little, make some more progress, slide back a step again and repeat. Grief is like the video on YouTube of the Martial Arts guy who allows fellow fighters to repeatedly kick him in the balls. At some point, however you have to say enough is enough. No more.
I’m finally done being kicked in the balls. I’m over it and it occurs to me that I can go weeks without it even crossing my mind. That is pretty wonderful.
This chapter of my life is beautiful. I’ve discovered the New Normal. I have discovered comfort and stillness where there wasn’t any. I’ve found a new capacity to love, a new patience with myself and my environment and excitement for the future.
And gratitude. Tons and tons of gratitude.
I have to credit the Internet for the healing assist as well. The online divorce community is mighty!!! I have made friends that I’ve never met in person, yet we have bonded over our combined experiences. This online family is scattered all over the world, many in other states, some on other continents. I have learned from them, shared pain with them, cried with them, celebrated with them and tried to impart my own wisdom with them. We have grown together, seen one another slide back into grief, and celebrated one another as we begin to claw our way out into the light again.
All of us know it’s a process and it’s a struggle. A struggle that can go on for years. Thank God for the Internet and the support it can provide as we are navigating our way through the quagmire of life. I know I would have healed one way or another in time, but the friendships I’ve made through the online divorce community has made it a whole hell of a lot more fun and interesting. You all know who you are – I’m hugging each and every one of you right now.
Thank you for being awesome.