Proceed with caution, folks. This post is getting deep.
I remember so clearly after my divorce, being so hungry for my next life to start with someone. I wanted to be a couple again so badly and get back to that routine of loving someone. The idea of that right now makes my skin crawl. There’s a man I’ve been out on a few dates with who would really like to be in a relationship with me but I’m unwilling. He tells me I’m scared of surrendering myself because I’m afraid of being hurt again.
Um….duh. (Hard eye roll)
Surrender is a dirty word. Surrender is weak. No thank you. I won’t. I could meet my Bruce Willis or George Cloony right now and I wouldn’t be able to hang in there for the long haul. It’s becoming clear to me that my trust unit is broken. FUBAR. Out of Service. I have a hard shell around my heart and it’s not about to be dislodged for anyone. This makes me a little bit sad because I know I’m probably missing out on some stuff, and until this trust issue is resolved and healed I won’t be good for anyone. The tough part is that I don’t have any desire to fix it. Keeping these walls up around my heart keeps me from being hurt, which feels safe to me but it also probably hurts special people who just want to care about me.
Gah! Feelings are dumb.
I feel tiny cracks beginning to form around the hard shell in my heart though. It’s scaring the crap out of me too. This man I’ve been on a few dates with is quite a bit older than I am, a gentleman, has his shit together and loves to take care of me, take me out to eat, we both love photography so we’ve had some camera adventures together and we have a lot in common. We’ve been friends online for several months and have been slowing getting to know each other but the in real life meeting has just recently started.
If you’ve been around from the beginning you’ll remember that I’m the collector of broken toys – or I used to be. My heart gravitates towards those with issues, in need of healing and I root around inside them, finding all the broken and banged up pieces and then love the shit out of those parts until they feel like a million bucks. I think every man I’ve ever dated has told me the same thing “I’m a better man for having known you.” Yeah, you are. Because I showed you what was beautiful about you. This man is no different. He has some broken parts and as much as I hate the term “triggered” he totally triggers all my codependency alarms. So why do I continue to go out with him?
I really just need to end it.
Trouble is, I like him. We have fun together, he makes me laugh, loves to take my picture and tell me how intriguing I am, how he thinks I’m beautiful, there are lots of kisses and he sparks my creativity when we take our camera’s out for adventures. He is falling fast though and I’ve had to remind him on more than one occasion that I’m not relationship material right now. I told him honestly that I’m good for about a three month romp and then I’m out. Stage left. vamoose. Adios. See ya later, pal. Thank you, next! There have been less than a dozen dates and I’m already having itchy feet. That is a new record for me, and frankly it’s a little scary. He says he’s hoping for longer than three months but if three months is all I can give him he’ll take it. Gah!
I think I’m addicted to being single. It’s easy. I like going on dates, getting to know a new person, hearing their story, learning what their life is like, having that first kiss, that dump of happy brain drugs that make you feel like you’re floating. The simple fact is I don’t want to keep any of them. There is no desire to couple up for the long term. Singlehood is just so easy. There isn’t any stress of keeping someone else happy, satisfied or fed. I enjoy not having to clean up after anyone and not having to coordinate my schedule with anyone else. I also don’t run the risk of getting hurt. So is singlehood just me being a total chicken?
I know this man is tired of being single. He wants a partner and he wants it to be me. He has told me he’s tired of going on stupid dates with women he doesn’t have a connection with. He wants me to give it a shot with him and I really just want to keep what we have now….camera buddies who go out to eat and maybe make out a little. Is it fair for me to continue this thing we’ve got going on if I don’t see it leading anywhere of significance? What if it could lead somewhere but I’m too afraid to let my heart open? Is it fair to him? Is it fair to myself? Nope and Nope.
Being single like this is not something I pictured for myself, nor is it something I thought I would excel at. But if I’m single out of fear am I really excelling at it? I really enjoy going out on dates, who doesn’t enjoy feeling desired and sexy? Who doesn’t enjoy having someone ask if they can spend time with you and then want to give you kisses? It’s fun, sure…but at the end of the night I really just want to sleep next to Bruce the Body Pillow with a gin & tonic next to me. I want to be able to spread out, tuck my 87 pillows around me and sleep with only my dog snoring in my ear. I can kick him off the bed and he doesn’t get grumpy about it.
This man and I are supposed to go out tonight and take our cameras out around sunset. Romantic, right? Then he will probably want to buy me dinner. I’m annoyed that I have agreed to go. I’m annoyed that I kind of want to go because I enjoy his company. I’m annoyed that I don’t want to encourage continued closeness to someone I will ultimately end up hurting. I’m annoyed because I feel like a complete chicken shit for running away from feelings. I’m annoyed because feelings are dumb.
Feelings, man. Gah! Annoying.