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Bandaids over Bullet holes

img_0627So I cancelled my date with the guy last weekend. I also told him I wanted to go back to being just friends. I explained that he had opened my eyes to my inability to trust and the triggers (how I hate that word) that he spurred.  He reluctantly agreed.

How does one go about regrowing the trust gland? That created a visual in your brain didn’t it? Trust. Gland. I’ll let you sit with that for just a moment.

My divorce and the months, if not years of betrayal that lead up to it has left me with such a gaping hole where my ability to trust used to be. Imagine a body riddled with bullet holes and each of them covered with a band-aid. For humor (and accuracy sake) let’s imagine those band aids covered with the classic poop emoji.

This is why casual romps work for me. I don’t have to trust someone if I go in knowing the relationship has a short shelf life. If you google search the term “3 months freak out” it’s a thing that happens in relationships, it’s a natural transition point where a couple goes from just having fun to putting parameters and definitions on the relationship. It’s the next step. It raises my blood pressure just thinking about it. I’m literally feeling my heart want to beat out of my chest as I type this. This is why I’m only good for three months or so.  I can’t get to the parameters and definitions.  Holy shit. I’ve got some crap to work through.

How does one learn to trust again? By letting someone in? By surrender? We all know from the last blog post that I see surrender as weak and failure.

Or is it?

Is surrendering yourself to another human to believe everything they say and do to be true and right just because they say so weak and failing? I guess only if they abuse that trust. After spending over 23 years with someone who said they were going to be the most honest forever and ever to me lie to my face, deceive me and leave me to fade the heat of his actions and then escape practically Scott free….that’s incredibly hard to come back from and allow your heart to soften to love again.

At this point it seems impossible. I have a lot more work to do, but this man who had taken to challenging my thoughts on trust, who really wanted to be the one I tried to trust, who made me so incredibly uncomfortable because he made me see where I have so much more work to do on myself and also made me take a good, long, hard look at what I’m potentially missing out on….this guy. He has agreed to go back in to the friend zone and he’s doing it.  He checks in most days, doesn’t push boundaries, stays in his lane and just lets me know he cares.

Last night I was riddled with nightmares.  From being attacked by a bear in the wilderness, to facing a giant tiger inside the kitchen of a remote cabin, then being a child at the mercy of a violent offender, to waking up and trying to turn on my bedside lamp only to find it didn’t illuminate my bedroom and I was suddenly scared of the dark.  I then realized I was still dreaming and had not really woken up.  All of those dreams – in talking and writing about them later are all stress dreams.  Dreams where I’m in danger and facing something potentially of great threat.  Are all those things I was dreaming about symbolizing trusting someone? Do I equate trusting someone with my heart with a wild animal or violent criminal who wants nothing more than to make a victim?

All this tells me I’m scared.  My Twitter Crush (TC for short) and I have done some talking about this and he thinks I should seek some counseling.  He’s right of course.  I’ve been thinking about seeing a counselor again.  It’s probably time to work through the rest of my stuff.  It’s a good thing he’s over 1,200 miles away or else he’d be the next in line to be the next one left behind.  With our current geographic limitations we have no other option but to talk it out and develop a friendship….and dare I say I am beginning to trust him with my stuff?  TC is going through his own overhaul of trust and we are limping along together as we figure out the next steps and what it feels like to be a little bit vulnerable.

So moves are being made, dots are being connected, plans for future work are being laid. The blog hopefully won’t be so “thoughty” each and every time.  I’ll try to find something light and fun to write about next time to give you a break on all the heavy feels.

Cuz we already established that feelings are dumb.


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