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I’m exhausted

Chronic painYep, there she is, folks.  My new Side Chick, Candy.  Get it? Candy Cane?  I know, eye roll.  I’ll see myself out.

I’m more and more shocked at how exhausting chronic pain is.  I mean really.  It takes me twice as long to get anywhere, I’m afraid of falling – hence the cane and people look at me with such sympathy.  It’s been quite the humbling experince.

And the cane….can you say COCKBLOCK? I am not dating anyone right now.  I just don’t feel sexy, I don’t feel pretty and I feel really, really old.  I can’t even bring myself to swipe right or left to see what’s out there.  How do I start a conversation with someone and say “Sure, I’d love to go out with you, but see, I have this cane and advanced arthritis, oh and I’m having hip replacement surgery…..yeah, yeah….your Grandma just had that same procedure done?  Good for her…..yeah, so where do you want to meet?” It gives me a headache just thinking about it.  So I’ll go on dating hiatus until after my new hip.  Some say New Year, New me! I’m all about the New Hip, New Me.

I’m not dealing with this pain well.  I’m stressed, I’m sad, I’m frustrated and I don’t have a life right now.  If I’m not at work I’m at home in bed with my trusty ice pack.  It hurts to walk and I try to bribe my kiddo to walk my dog any time I can and beg her to go to the grocery store so I don’t have to.  I am so ready for this damn surgery to be over and done so I can get on with living.  This shit is for the birds man.

I love how understanding people in my life are – they text or call and see how I’m doing, and I dislike being a pain in the ass and Ms. Grumpy McGrumperson but this is hard, y’all.  I’m overwhelmed thinking I have two more months of this constant pain and exhaustion before surgery day finally gets here.  I just want to be well.

It’s really hitting home that I’m doing this surgery stuff on my own.  I have support – my parents live here and my sister and of course my lovely daughter, but when the rubber hits the road it’s me, myself and I on this deal.  No one is going to help me pay for it, I don’t have someone to get up with me in the middle of the night to make sure I don’t slip and fall going to the bathroom, I have to……gulp…..ask for help for stuff and I strongly dislike that.

My parents offered to let me stay at their place for the first week or two but I instantly declined the offer.  I don’t want to be a burden and my sweet spawn-child is here and I know she is making arrangements with her employment to fix her schedule to be here for me during those first two weeks.  I don’t want her to think I don’t trust her to take care of me.  Not to mention, I want to be in my own space, with my own things, watching Sorted Food cooking videos all day and cuddling with my animals.  I want my independence.

Independence is a double edged sword though.  You want to go at it alone?  You’d better be prepared to see that alone part through then.

Gah! I’m tired.  I’m grumpy.  I’m frustrated.  I’m feeling lonely.  I’m being a total baby.

I’ll be strong again tomorrow.

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