It’s our Blogaversary!
Two years ago, I remember where I was, thoughts circling in my brain. I was thinking about my divorce, thinking about how alone I felt. I remember suddenly realizing that I was looking at this whole being alone thing the wrong way. Perhaps I needed to think of the aloneness as being free! That idea alone was so liberating. I didn’t have to dance around his easily bruised ego, I didn’t have to let anyone but me control my finances, I didn’t have to ever buy chips or potatoes that he required at every meal ever again unless I craved them. I was free.
I stopped looking at the divorce as being alone and began seeing it as finally being free!
I’m didn’t have to dance around lies anymore, no longer making allowances for my mistrust for the person I was living with. I was only accountable to me now. I remember how sad I was to move out of the apartment we shared, how afraid I was that it would negatively impact my daughter to move midway through her senior year in high school. When we did move however, it was so exciting to set up our home the way we wanted. We didn’t carry memories with us, we were free to throw away or rehome things that didn’t serve us anymore. We made new memories, created new meal plans, threw out old ideologies and crafted new ones. It was like everything was brand new…because it WAS!
I remember suddenly NEEDING to write. I had to find a way to share this a-ha moment with someone,…anyone. I need to tell the world what was suddenly so important to my healing! I needed to write a blog!! The name was practically dropped into my brain-space like a coin drops into a piggy bank. Bloop! There it was. I was Single and now I could be as Selfish as I wanted to be.
Just like that, Single & Selfish was born.
It’s both hard to believe and easy to remember that it’s been two years. I’ve changed so much in these two years. I’ve fallen in a love-like state a couple of times. Clearly not the true love I thought it was but it felt good anyway. It felt great, actually. I’ve stretched my single legs and learned how to take care of myself and what I’m willing to allow into my life and more importantly, what I’m not. I’ve learned to crack open my heart a little bit and let someone peek inside but haven’t allowed anyone to scale the tall walls yet, and that’s ok.
Recently I saw an Instagram post from one of my favorite YouTube influencers, @Leighannsays and she was asking for relationship questions to answer in a video. Normally I would not answer this type of a call for content but I respect Leighann and I think we have a lot of personality quirks in common and I knew if she chose my question she would give it a respectful and compassionate response. So I sent her a voice memo. Guess what, folks?? She answered it. I gotta say it was really crazy to hear my voice come out of the TV. I’ll link the video here so you can watch it if you want. All of her questions were deep and clearly impactful to the person submitting them and she gave thoughtful and respectful answers to each. If you want to skip right to my question, it’s about the 28:18 mark.
I admit, her advice is spot on. I’m rushing things, wanting to find love after such agonizing betrayal. It’s only been just shy of three years since my marriage ended. I have to allow myself some time, and just like Leighann said, my response to this trauma and betrayal and being unable to trust anyone is normal considering what I’ve experienced. I need to be good to myself, have fun, focus on me, enjoy being single for as long as I want. I guess I needed a nudge to remember that my life isn’t a Nora Efron film. I’m not going to find The One and all the walls are not going to fall away like magic because real life doesn’t work like that.
I don’t think I will ever regret starting this blog. It has been my mental health barometer, my best friend and my Dear Diary. I’m grateful for those who have taken the time to walk this trail along side me, as well as those who are just finding it. Hi! I’m Wendi and I overshare on the Internet! This blog and you dear readers have helped me keep my sanity and know that I’m not alone. Your messages, your likes, comments, direct messages and tweets have helped me see that we all speak the same language. So many of the comments on Leighann’s video showed me that a lot of other people are suddenly single after long marriages or relationships and we are all floundering like baby giraffes taking our first soggy steps with messed up hair and no training wheels. It’s scary, Yo! Hella scary! But we’re doing it, and none of us is alone.
So with another anniversary in the books I again say thank you for reading, thank you for following and together we will figure out this flim-flammery thing called life after divorce.