I wrote something this morning, kind of by accident that I thought was important.
“Until you’ve had enough, you will continue to go back to what hurts you.
I wish you enough.”
I was paroozing my codependent facebook groups, reading posts, commenting on some. I don’t often write posts on these sites, I’m more of a lurker and sparse commenter. But Saturday I’d posted something about the cycle of abuse, and how it can take numerous times of trying to leave for the leaving to stick. The national average concerning domestic violence is somewhere around 9 to 11 times for a victim to leave for good.
So often on these pages and forums I see people beating themselves up for going back, calling themselves stupid and they must deserve it because they keep going back. NO! My post yesterday was to offer some supportive truth to these folks who are feeling like they are the only one’s continually going back. That just isn’t the case. They aren’t alone, but it’s not often something others openly share, either out of shame, not thinking it’s important or that it’s only happened to them. However, what I see both in my professional work and on these forums is that the yo-yo detachment is the same for so many. Each of us keeps going back, sticking it out for one reason or another. Either because we have faith that they will change, we can fix them, or we don’t want to have them move on and get fixed with the next person. We want the win for ourselves. Or, in other scenarios they won’t let us leave, either through threats, emotional, physical or financial intimidation, removing our external support systems and by continuing to batter our self-esteem.
The post got a LOT of likes, hearts, comments, some of them from people on the other side of leaving commenting on how it was the same for them, but that there really is happiness on the other side of leaving. Not right away, but it gets better! One lady; however, replied that she feels like she was groomed from early childhood through abuse and neglect. She felt she had trauma bonded with her abuser and though it was encouraging to learn she wasn’t alone in the yo-yo detachment attempts, she feared it would be too painful to detach fully and be alone, but she knew she needed to, and more importantly, she wanted to.
I replied back to her, commending her on putting those bits of truth and logic together, made some suggestions for strategies to add to her growth, and then dropped the little gem quoted above. “Until you’ve had enough, you’ll continue to go back to what hurts you. I wish you enough.”
This nugget of truth of Enough doesn’t just apply to abuse, codependency, narcissism or even romantic relationships. Each one of you reading this can apply this to an area of your life, whether it’s your job, your living situation, your friendships, your habits….until you reach that point of feeling that a situation or habit doesn’t serve you anymore, you won’t be able to let it go, but once you are ready – you will find it may not be as hard as you think to shake it.
Nekkid truth time. I used to drink a LOT. I think we all know how annoying it is to be around a drunk person when you’re sober. So keeping the peace in my household was just made easier if I drank with the ex, and over time I became almost a competitive drinker with him. Once the marriage was over, I sank even deeper into the hooch because 1.) that’s what you do when you get divorced, and 2.) it was what I knew would numb the pain. When I got into counseling a few months after the split, my goals were to let go of the anger, learn some positive outlets to release the past, learn to regain my gratitude and joy, and stop self medicating with alcohol. I’m proud to say I achieved all those goals.
That’s not to say I don’t ever drink anymore, but rather than bottles of wine or beer a night, I will perhaps have one glass of wine with dinner, or a single beer – two at the very most. It’s just where I feel my limits should be where alcohol is concerned. At first it wasn’t easy and I found my resolve weakening, but I had started journaling before the divorce, then stopped, and then picked it up again when I started counseling. I began keeping Goal Journals to count the days to whatever I wanted to achieve. It started with a 30 day Journaling Goal to get myself back into the routine of expressing my feelings. Then I began the 30 day Drinking Goal. It kept me not only accountable, but it forced me to get my feelings out in words before I began self medicating. I would force myself to wait, I couldn’t open that bottle of wine or pour that beer until I had made dinner, had consumed a large glass of water (replacing the cocktail I would have while cooking) and written in my journal. I found it really kept me on track.
I like where my body and my health are right now. It’s pretty amazing how much weight falls off when you stop binge drinking every night. My eyes are clearer, my skin is better, I have more energy….I don’t sleep worth a damn, but that will come in time, hopefully. Maybe my next goal will be a 30 day Workout Goal, surely that will help with the insomnia issue, right?
So with that, I guess I will close this blog post with telling you, or whoever needs to read it – that I wish you Enough.