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Here I go again

SELFIEGreetings, hello, hiya, howyadoin?

I know, it’s been a month or so since I’ve written anything.  I get the notifications from WordPress, nudging me…hey it’s been a while since you’ve posted anything…yeah, yeah, WordPress I know.  Quit being a nag, k?

Life update – I’m almost 8 weeks post total hip replacement and I’m about to graduate physical therapy next week.  I am walking pain free most of the time and Betty the new hip feels like the hip I was born with.  I don’t have any resistance, my range of motion is great, my strength is fantastic and I feel like I’ve been given a brand new life.

I’m starting to adventure again, last weekend my sister and I went birding and set out on the hunt for some hummingbirds near the coast – this was before the Imelda flooding that happened near Houston that has cauSISTERSsed so much damage.  The hummingbirds unfortunately had been pushed off their projected course by a sneaky north wind and we didn’t see as many as we’d hoped.  So we took the opportunity to drive, explore, practice some macro photography and really enjoyed spending time together again.  It’s been a long time and we missed each other.

Life has been getting back to the New Normal that we all figure out after a life change like divorce, chronic pain, surgery, a death, a job change – whatever the thing is that causes you to stick a pin in your life and wait for things to settle down so you can figure out what the New Normal is. That’s where I am currently.  Figuring it out.

I’ve started dating again.  I paid for a account for a couple of months and am connecting with some nice men.  I’ve been on one date which was fun, but I won’t see him again. He had potential but there were some things that just didn’t jive with my personality so I was honest with him.  He actually thanked me for my honesty.

One other thing happened with another man I was chatting with.  He commented on my age in a teasing way.  He was just a couple years younger but he poked fun at my age and it immediately shut me down and within minutes I told him this wasn’t what I was looking for.  It really threw me for a loop.  I don’t consider myself overly vain.  I mean, I like to look nice, I take care of myself, I want to look the best I can no matter what age I am, but I also know that at this time in my life I’m a little sensitive about my looks and my age. I don’t consider that vanity – maybe I’m wrong, I’m probably wrong.  It’s probably totally vanity.  Regardless, I was shocked at what an emotional response I had to someone making fun of my age and calling attention to it in relation to his age.

I want to be one of those women who embraces the age they are and doesn’t ever compare themselves to younger women but the fact is, I’m not.  I compare the heck out of myself to other women and I don’t like that about myself.  I don’t want to think of dating as a competitive sport either because it shouldn’t be.

Truth is, dating doesn’t make me feel very good about myself.  That’s the boiled down truth about the whole situation.  Dating makes people – I think probably both men a women feel this way – like we are cattle on display at the local auction, waiting to see who will bid on us.  Are we still viable enough for someone to want us?  Do we still have enough spry and vigor left in us to warrant someone wanting to take a closer look?  It’s kind of a gross way to feel, but I have hope that I will make new friends through this process and maybe have some nice dinners, discussions, adventures and maybe even make a connection.

The whole crazy year of random romance is over – that’s what I’m calling it now…the year of random romance.  Those of you who have been here for a while will know what I’m talking about even though I’ve set those posts private.  It’s just not what I want to project in the blog anymore.  Do I regret any of it? No.  Would I do it again if I had the chance to go back in time? Yep…most of it.

To be honest I’ve even wondered if Single & Selfish is even my persona still.  Is that still who I am?  I feel like things are changing and morphing into something else.  Life is moving and growing right now and a life shift may be what’s in store for your girl here.

I don’t know, maybe it’s my menopause brain making me crazy – I am crying at the drop of the hat these days as well as not sleeping…thanks hormones.  My moods tend to fluctuate at the same rate as my body temperature.

So I don’t know what the future holds, I know that it will hold some change, some fun, some adventure and lots of photographs.  I know I’m grateful for being able to live pain free and with a body that moves right again.  I know I’m grateful for the people in my life who love me and are always in my corner, you know who you are.

So bare with me, kind readers.  Things are in flux right now but they are also really good change I think.  Life without change is stagnant and that’s nowhere that a living body should be.  Growth needs change and life needs growth.  So here we go.

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