So here we are again, guys. Yep. I broke my kneecap. I’m currently stuck in bed again with an ice pack. It’s honestly something I’ve had a hard time talking about because I just can’t believe I’m here again.
It was Wednesday when I was simply walking – and POP. I felt a pop, and about ten to twenty steps later my knee wouldn’t work anymore. It began to swell immediately and I could no longer walk on it. I was at work, luckily and had lots of people around me to help. So I was able to get into urgent care and get x-rays done which confirmed it was a break to the patella. The little piece you see in the x-ray floating above is larger than it appears and is currently free-range in my leg, while the larger part of my kneecap is currently doing some Texas Chainsaw Massacre inside my leg.
Not what I expected and not what I wanted. The doctor at urgent care put me in an immobilizer and referred me to an orthopedic surgeon. The same ortho who did my hip replacement surgery just a mere 9 weeks ago. Honestly, who graduates Physical Therapy and the very next week breaks their knee cap on the other leg?
I’m not going to sugar coat anything here, pretty immediately after the break happened I started crying and didn’t stop for the next 24 hours. I JUST GOT MY MOBILITY BACK! My life was just beginning again, I’d begun dating and taking Chewy for longer walks and was really enjoying wearing cute shoes again. My Zena Warrior Princess mind went to some pretty dark places – I just got through this. I’ve done my time with the immobilized leg and inability to walk. I’ve learned this lesson already, God! Why are you tasking me with this yet again? Is there something I’ve yet to learn that You, in Your infinite wisdom feel I need to work on more? Why again am I forced to put my life on hold and wait for surgery yet again? How long will I be down this time, God? Are you sure?
I tweeted the night it happened that I know God has a reason for everything and everything is part of His plan and while I trust His timing….I have to wonder if God drinks a little.
Do I have more work to do on asking for and receiving help? Is that the lesson? It’s highly likely. I thought I’d gotten pretty good at it with the Betty surgery but maybe I have more to learn. All I know is, I am pretty disappointed in my body right now and that I’m stuck in bed this weekend, watching more YouTube and Netflix while I ice my knee and wait for my consult with the surgeon on Monday.
This injury, having happened to my left leg is having an even greater impact on my life because it means I can’t drive my car. My independent life line to the outside world is removed because I drive a standard. The funny-guy Doctor at the Urgent Care laughed at me and said “Who drives a standard anymore?” Well, I do, jerkface. I do….and I’m pretty proud that I am part of one of the few generations that still knows how to drive a stick shift and can parallel park without the need for a backup camera. I’d like to challenge you to a parking duel! Gah!
So until Monday, this is all the news I have. I’m stressed, I’m worried, I’m “triggered” (oh how I hate that word) and I’m experiencing all the classic signs of being close to losing my everloving shit. I don’t have any answers to why this happened, I wasn’t being reckless or doing anything risky. I was walking down some stairs. I didn’t even fall! This would make so much more sense if I’d fallen or tripped or hit my knee on something, but none of that happened. I was walking and felt a pop and now my knee needs surgery because the sharp part of the kneecap is carving away on the inside of the my knee – shearing the muscles and tendons. So that’s why if I’m not in bed, I’m wearing the sexy leg straight jacket.
We are having a fun festival in my City this weekend and not only was I supposed to work, making money and being with my people, I was going to attend the festival this weekend too and maybe make some memories. Instead, I’m hustling on Twitter trying to ask my followers what I should watch next on Netflix or Hulu.
Dammit! I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m crying again and I just can’t fathom that I’m here again. I know I won’t see the “why” until later. There is always a reason for everything that happens, I’m a firm believer in that law. I just don’t get it yet. I can’t quite see the light at the end of the tunnel right now and I’m struggling to find the gratitude. Other than to be grateful it wasn’t a larger bone, it wasn’t a worse break and I’m still able to walk with the assistance of Johnny Walker and Candy Cane. I can’t believe those fools are still part of my life again this soon. I thought I was done with them and was even scheduled to return Johnny Walker to his rightful owner this week. Looks like I’ll be extending his loan for a little while longer.
So some prayers would be grand right now if you can squeeze me into your prayer list. Some happy messages on Twitter or Facebook would be lovely too. Hopefully we’ll get some good news on Monday.
I hate that I had to write this blog post at all. I’m struggling with feelings of failure – I am supposed to be figuring out the New Normal right now and living life OUT LOUD and enjoying all the fun, adventure and shenanigans that are at my disposal, doing a triple hand spring into freedom of movement and hi-jinks – and I feel like I totally blew the dismount.
Gah! More tears! I’m so disappointed and heart broken. I’m frustrated and angry. I hate the looks of pity, the tsk, tsk, tsk from people who say “I hate this for you!” yeah Karen, I hate this for me too. It fucking sucks. Not even sorry for the f-bomb.