Dating is a challenge. You think you want something one day and then some time goes by and you’re not so sure you want it anymore.
There was a time when dating was whatever was put before me. If I found myself attracted to someone I threw my hands up and said “ok let’s try this on for size and see what happens.” I think I was pretty fearless (also see: Lucky) in that chapter of my single journey. We all remember the year of sex. I also had a pretty low expectation for my quality of life because of my limited mobility. It was hard to move around, I had a pronounced limp, I didn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel and didn’t know what it was going to take to fix it and get my quality of life back, I’ve had cancer, a double mastectomy and my body is covered with scars from literally a dozen surgeries over my lifetime. Speaking painfully honestly here, I’m embarrassed and feel like my body is damaged goods with all these after market parts. It’s a large source of insecurity for me.
I talk a big game about “scars are like birthmarks but with better stories” but the truth of the matter is, I feel less than confident sometimes and let’s face it, attention from the opposite sex is rather intoxicating. It can heal a lot and I’ve had a lot of opportunities to need healing. I’ve been handed a lot in my 48 turns around the sun. It’s not easy keeping the confidence high when you feel like your body looks like Frankenstein’s Bride.
In the past year I’ve had a lot of down time to reflect and be still, ask myself what I want my dating life to look like and who I want to be a part of it. I could be easy and loose with my choices and entertain lots of men who just want a piece of ass. That would be easy peasy because let’s face it- even covered in scars, if a man thinks he’s going to get some there’s no way he’s going to ask a naked woman to leave just because she’s got lotus flowers in place of nipples and a dozen scars over various parts of her body. As long as he can get to home base he doesn’t care. What is that saying…the way to a woman’s heart is through her mind….the way to a mans heart is bring beer and show up naked.
Those of you who have seen the movie Eat, Pray Love might remember the scene where Liz is having pizza with her friend in Italy and they are both complaining about their pants getting tight with all the decadent food they’ve been eating. Her friend puts the pizza down, saying “I shouldn’t. I’m getting fat” Liz looks her in the eye and said “when you’re in bed with a man and you’ve taken your clothes off, has he ever asked you to leave?” No of course not. Eat the damn pizza then go buy bigger jeans. I’m also fully aware how good men are at saying what women want to hear to get what they want. It’s a story as old as time…tell her she’s beautiful, get the goods and then stop working so hard for it until she tells you to get lost. Rinse and repeat.
I am figuring out my worth this year. It’s not about the number of dates in my calendar, it’s about the quality of men that I date. No longer will I settle. I know I’ve written that before, but then I find myself still having conversations with men that don’t live up to my quality standards that I write about. That needs to stop. I don’t mean the men don’t live up to the standard, but the kind of conversations and no holds barred flirty talk isn’t up to the standard that I want to keep. I don’t want the fast & dirty. I want the quality and worthy. If that means waiting, so be it. If I’m going to talk the talk, I damn well better walk the walk. Gentle nod to Betty the new hip for making walking much more fun these days.
I deserve more. You deserve more. We, fellow Wise Women deserve to see ourselves as the amazing beings that we are. We need to stop going on dates with men that just want to catch and release and choose to spend our time with men who want to nurture a friendship and treat us like the Devine Creatures we are. We are absolutely Devine…we can produce life. We can feed that life, we can nurture and create and be fierce all at the same time. We are Women!! We are not property and shouldn’t be treated like arm candy. We deserve to be treated like the beautiful beings we are.
We need to stop settling for mediocre and instead, expect to be treated like a cherished woman. We deserve to be adored and respected, not used and rejected.
I want to speak it into being that I want to be in a relationship this year. I want to fall in love and go on adventures. I want to share my heart with one person and have inside jokes and have someone mess up my lipstick with kisses. I want to be wisked away for weekends out of town and be surprised with flowers and a mushy card for no reason. I want to cook amazing meals with someone in a beautiful kitchen. Or hell, even my kitchen. I want to make memories with someone and see if I can put all my trust into him. Will I freak out at the three month mark and want to beat feet outa there? Maybe. Will I surprise myself with someone who surprises me and makes it easy to give myself fully and let myself trust because that person is worthy of being trusted? Maybe. Hopefully.
I want someone who steps up and says “Babe, your tires look low, let me get your car serviced, when was the last time your oil was changed?” I want someone who will come over to help me hang a picture and stays to make a fun date out of it with some Netflix and takeout all the while giggling at how much we dig one another. I want someone who will sit quietly with me and read the paper, confident enough in us to be comfortable to gently reach out to stroke a knee or rest his hand on mine. I want someone who can’t wait to meet my family and is eager to hear the story of my childhood, who wants to help my dad with home repairs and has a heart for service.
I guess I want a male version of me. Is he out there? Will he want a sassy, independent, bossy, frustratingly stubborn woman with the vocabulary of a well educated sailor who plays video games and sometimes forgets to brush her teeth? I don’t know. I keep looking, I keep hoping, I keep praying and trying to be open to what God has in store for me. I keep leaving it in The Big Kahuna’s hands knowing that all is as it should be for the moment and when the time is right, My Person will bust down my walls and find a place to set up shop in my heart. Until then I will keep stating my hopes and dreams into the ether, speaking my desires into being, using that law of attraction to make that man appear and not miss me because he’s got his head down, doing something on his phone.
I guess that’s all I have to say about that. Not the best outro for this type of emotionally naked verbal diarrhea, but there it is. I’ve been sitting on this post for days, tweaking, rewriting, thinking more about what I wanted it to say, wondering if I wanted to be this vulnerable with you, my readers…but in the end the post wouldn’t leave me, wouldn’t allow me to abandon it and trash it as I have other drafts over these three years. Yes! Believe it or not, I have trashed posts that I thought were too over the top to post. It’s not all type, post, repeat. I do weigh the pros and cons of what I share. So there you go.
Go and be awesome this beautiful day. Cheers.