Lies are dangerous. Lies are toxic. Lies can be disastrous if left untouched. They are never healthy and obviously can destroy relationships. We all know that, we’ve all seen that.
I lied. I lied to myself and my friends. I lied to my partner, and it ended our relationship. I severed our relationship because I suddenly woke up and realized that I was surrounded by my own lies. It was sudden and earthshattering for all involved.
I lied mainly to myself. I lied that I was happy. I lied that I could keep living the life I was, unhappy and unfulfilled and that it would be enough because I had a home, some security and a future. But it was all smoke and mirrors for me.
I went away on a weekend with my two best friends and had a great time with my besties. It was laughter and fun, light and silly. I saw things on that trip that I wanted. I heard the way they talked about their marriages and their husbands and was envious because I didn’t have that. I had something else, something that I suddenly knew I couldn’t sustain and the lies were forced into my face and I had no other choice but to act on them and come back to my apartment. I could no longer lie to myself that the life I’d made with my partner was a future. It wasn’t a future. It was – for me – treading water until I drowned in living in a life that wasn’t making me happy.
My friends felt blindsided, my partner felt blindsided. All because I couldn’t be honest with myself that the relationship I was in wasn’t working. I am clearly not in a place where I can sustain a relationship. I have too much work yet to be done on me to figure out why I am so scared of rejection that I don’t ask for what I want. Instead, I submit to the person I’m with and let them set the standard and I just go along with it. It’s not fair to me, just like it’s not fair to them.
I have work to do. I have not become the person I need to be yet. I have more repair to do from long, deep wounds that have left scars that have grown over years of scar tissue. It’s time to peel away those layers and work on where I need to love myself better. I’ve got a long road ahead.
One thing I will take full responsibility for is I didn’t communicate. I didn’t ask for what I wanted or needed. I should have – but I was afraid to. Afraid of rejection or judgement, whether that was fear based in fact or just me being a chicken remains to be seen. That is at the root of what I need to work on first. Then boundaries…lots and lots of boundaries.
I don’t know where this blog is going to go – if it’s going to be around at all. I’m single, but I’m certainly not selfish. This moniker of Single and Selfish that I began after divorce four years ago was my way of channeling my Xena Warrior Princess and showing strength where there really wasn’t any. Faking it till I made it, if you will.
I will write, because I have to write. It’s in my blood. I just don’t know if it will be here.
I know a lot of people wonder what happened behind closed doors that caused this sudden ending of a relationship and that stays with me. I won’t disrespect the other person involved by being petty and airing any dirty laundry. I take full responsibility for not communicating my needs – which didn’t give him any means to fulfill them. That was completely unfair to him and I acknowledge that. In this situation, however, I needed to love me more and put myself first – which meant finding some solitude in being alone.
I appreciate all my friends and family who have surrounded me with love and support. I thank you – you know who you are – who are always in my corner and rooting for me, even (especially when) I fall flat on my face. If I didn’t have you bunch…..well, I don’t know where I’d be.
So if you’re looking for The Next Chapter blog, twitter account or anything else – they’ve been deleted. As have any blog posts about the last six months of my life. They were…..well, a lie. So I don’t want them out there any longer. It’s time to stop lying to myself and demand to do better.
I will do better.